There is something to be said for being one’s only audience. There is no pressure to be politically correct or even entertaining. One is able to simply write from the heart. Oh, for certain, this is a public journal, but one among how many? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? It is also searchable, and as I said in my first entry, I am leaving no breadcrumbs for those I am familiar with to find it. Those that are meant to read my words will do so, eventually. I am simply here to write of my journey…
I also mentioned in an earlier post that upon being told to do that which brings joy to me, I returned to writing. Ever since I was small, I have had a penchant for writing. As an only child, there were many instances that I had to entertain myself. I did so through my imagination. It was my friend. Sometimes, especially after all the instances when my family moved about, it was my only friend.
Once I was old enough to begin writing, I did so and continued to do so throughout the years. Writing for me has always been a catharsis, giving me a way to pour out the emotions that I experience within that can be, at times, really quite overwhelming. I do this, still to this day, either through an expression of word or through fictional characters. As I look at this now, though, it could very well be that which has gotten me into trouble in the past.
Quite a number of years ago, I first became involved in a written form of role playing. In the games, one chooses a character in which to play. Through written word, that person has their character(s) interact with the characters of others. Together, they tell a story or paint a literary portrait of a scene that is occurring between their characters. Where the difficulties seem to come in is when one identifies with one’s character too acutely.
This, I believe, is where my troubles lay with expressing my emotions through one of my characters. When the character seems to be invalidated, I suppose it felt to me as though I was being invalidated…
So, I have recently returned to role playing. The difference is, though, that I am doing so with one whom I trust implicitly. Both of us have decided to keep our activities between the two of us. No pressure, and this seems to be working really well for us. I have found the joy, once more, in the co-creation of a literary universe, and this has brought much peace to me in days past. I would venture to say that it has brought both of us peace…
There is a lesson to be learned here for me, too…
One of my greatest lessons in this lifetime, I know, is that of balance. I am learning to take joy in the writing, while still interacting with my life in the manner that I not only desire to, but that I must. This is a great improvement over my past experiences. In addition to this, I am not allowing ego to sweep in on me and steal my confidence, nor am I allowing myself to identify so closely with my characters that I become stymied. It is what it is. The mere ability to write and interact with a dear friend of mine again for the mere joy of it… that is the main focus of this. For the fun and joy of it! Without all the wrenches that ego likes to try to toss into the works.
This is not to say, however, that it has not tried to. I am smarter and wiser of its ways these days, though. I’m beginning to see it (at least in this situation) a mile off. It likes to get me to be fearful, not only in my writing or in being quiet. It likes to try to second guess things… Imagine that things are different than they really are. That is when the problems come in, when I do allow Ego to steer my thoughts, my reactions. Just not going to allow it to do so anymore. I’m enjoying this too much…
And, so… it is here that I will end this, as I have a different bit of writing to get done.
Until next time, I am ever yours truly,
~N
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