Day 14,545 – A Sense of Irony

I find there is a certain irony in a current perspective of mine. That is the perception of “space”.

When I was much younger than I am now – early adulthood – I found a certain exhilaration from being a part of a crowd. I loved the holidays especially. I was drawn to the mall. I loved the hustle and bustle. So, it came as no surprise, really, that when the decision was made by my husband and I to move to his childhood hometown, I found it to be “too small”. Over time, I felt nearly claustrophobic if I didn’t get out beyond the town limits for too long, and it was a breath of fresh air to me when we finally moved south to a big city within the same state.

Over the years, though, I have developed an aversion to large crowds. Perhaps, as I look at it with a more analytic mind, it has been a period when I have begun to come into my own as an empath. Regardless the reasoning, I still find it rather ironic.

It was during a recent visit back to my husband’s home town and the birth of my two eldest children that I told my husband that the town that was once too small for me, now seemed entirely too large. Granted, the town had undergone a great deal of growth in the time that we’ve been gone, but in decades past, it would have still been “too small” for me. These days, however, the opposite is more the truth.

This was an idea that struck me this morning… I find that I’m feeling really quite constricted as of late…

Not too long ago, we made a move and have found ourselves back in housing provided by the military. It’s not bad, considering some of the places that we have found ourselves in the past. One thing about housing, however, there tends to be A LOT of people condensed into a rather small area. Normally, that wouldn’t be that much of a problem, but for an empath… a still untrained empath… it does pose a bit of a problem. The jumble of emotions that one encounters can sometimes be quite draining, especially given that there can be a great deal of sorrow experienced. After all, one needs to keep in mind that there are many military spouses and their children here contending with deployment. Many, who are far away from home, without their significant other… Children without one of their parents… Not to mention that we are community comprised of many different walks of life. We are a condensed version of the greater societal ’structure’.

So, I have been feeling a bit constricted as of late. I suppose, though, it does not help that the winter weather is beginning to wear on me. The energy within the house, like the air, is getting really rather stale. What I wouldn’t give for a freak bout of good weather in which to open the windows!

I did mention to my husband this morning – and this is what has brought this whole subject to mind this morning – that we need to get out next weekend to find a nature reserve or something of the sort. While we are considered rural and in a “small” town, I am feeling too crowded at the moment. The need to get out into nature, to recharge and feel the more pure energies of an area untouched… It’s a need calling to me, I find.

Years ago, this area would be too small, leaving me to feel too isolated. Now, however, I’m finding it to be too suffocating… And it is there in which the irony lies.

Day 14,544 – The Blessing of Emotions

Yesterday, I discovered that there is a danger as one is learning to become a "functional empath". That is the danger of attempting to place one's own emotions in the "court" of another. That is, attempting to slough off the responsibility of one's own emotions.

We are facing a situation that many have faced for far too many years, as of late, in our country. The reality of deployment.

Indeed, we are a military family. Like so many others throughout our country, and we are facing our third deployment - yet, our fourth major separation as a family. This time, if we're "lucky", it will be for a year. If we're unlucky... a year and a half. True, it was what we signed up for, as the decision for hubby to return to active duty was a joint decision, but it is one that is beginning to really wear on all of us. Thankfully, we only have a little over 3 years to go. Then, we can retire to a little plot of land that we've purchased.

Back to a lesson learned, however...

As we move closer to Hubby's departure, I am finding it increasingly difficult. Not only do I find myself more than just a little sad, but I am really quite apprehensive, as well. After all, as I mentioned, our family has already experienced 3 major separations since Hubby returned to active duty. Of those 3, I can say with all certainty that 1 can be deemed "successful". The other 2... Well, I feel as though I quite nearly lost my mind by the end, and both periods were shorter than that which we face.

While there is indeed a lesson to be learned from the previous separations, the successful as well as the unsuccessful, that isn't the one that I'm am addressing at the moment. Those lessons, however, are being addressed and will be shared at another time.

The lessons learned is that one, who is learning to be a fully functional empath, should not be so quick to attribute her emotions to another. Sometimes, it seems the easier route. After all, if the emotion does not truly belong to one, then one need not face it, right? One need not shine a light on it or even explore it...

A dear friend recently told me:

"Love your hurt. Bless your hurt. It's the only way I know how to dissolve it. To bless yourself for being able to feel."

Indeed. Emotions are wonderful things. Something that I have to remember and learn to embrace. After all, as an empath, emotions can sometimes be my nemesis. As an empath, not only do I feel my emotions, but I get to feel the emotions of every one around, as well as those that are not, and as an "untrained" empath, as yet, my abilities to do so still do not quite seem to be the gift that they are meant to be.

Emotions, in and of themselves, are a gift. They are one of the biggest parts of the human experience. They let us know what it feels like to be alive. After all, in our natural state of being as Spirit, we only feel love. That is all there is, and while it is a wonderful emotion, there is not the array of emotion that we feel while incarnated. How can we truly know what love feels like if we have nothing to compare it to? How can we know what a wonderful emotion happiness is, if we do not ever experience sadness?

I truly am blessed to feel... even at those times when I don't believe such to be the case. Even when I'm feeling the worst of emotional pains, it is satisfying to know that there is a happiness waiting for me to match the contrast in intensity.

Day 14,542 – Shedding the Barrier

I had a very long discussion with my eldest daughter last night. I have suspected for sometime that we’re a family of empaths; that my kids are, indeed, empaths, and I suppose that is one of my greatest inspirations for learning whatever I am able to learn with regard to living and thriving with my empathic abilities. It is my goal to assist them, at very young ages, to do the very same thing; to light their way along this path.

One of the things that we discussed was this shield of fat I carry around with me…

When I was in my late teens – when I met my, now, husband – I was much smaller. I wore a size 9. I had always struggled with my weight. As a child, I was overweight. Granted, I did not have the best of diet, but one tends to learn from the examples they are given. My parents worked very hard, and were, more times than not, too tired to cook at the end of the day. So, we would go out to dinner, and I was allowed to order whatever I wanted. It was not fast food, but I did not order the healthiest of meals, either.

In addition to this, I was being teased at school by the other kids for various reasons. I was overweight, being told I had bad breath, having hairy legs. I was only in 7th grade at the time… I had not been told that shaving was now necessary. All of this, as well as the nastiness that an empath can feel behind the words is enough to tear one apart from the inside out.

This all changed for me, though, once I hit high school. I entered a period that I was always busy with band, and when I joined the flag team… Between that, as well as spending my weekend nights at the teen dance club… The weight came off, and it would stay off until early adulthood.

Not only did I slow down, but I eventually moved into what my senses considered to be “hostile territory”. It was a place where I felt as though I was “under attack”; a place where words spoken to me did not match the true emotions that bubbled beneath the surface. It was then that I unconsciously began to build up my protective barrier of fat, and it’s a barrier that would continue to grow with the additions of three children to our family.

Many times, I have tried to rid myself of it. There were times when I was mildly successful. That was until some sort of circumstance occurred that subconsciously told me that it wasn’t “safe, yet”, and the weight would return in one manner or another, even when I worked to prevent it.

Now, however, I see this barrier for what it is, and I know that no matter how hard I try, I won’t be rid of it until I “fix” what is “broken” inside. Until I learn to work with my empathic abilities, rather than allowing them to rule me, I will not be able to shed it, and that, is what I am working on now.

Day 14,523 – Addendum

I have a certain sense of… I wish to say pride, but even that sentiment does not accurately convey what it is that I am feeling. Accomplished. That is what I feel. I feel accomplished, yes.

As an empath, I quite often become rather overwhelmed when in crowded situations. Added to this is the fact that my husband, whom I’m really quite empathically connected to, experiences overwhelm in such situations as well. It makes a trip to places such as Wal-Mart on a weekend an experience akin to… oral surgery?

Today, however, it was necessary for us to make just such a trip. Given that it is not only “payday weekend”, and many people are beginning to receive their tax refunds, it could have very much been what one of my friends referred to as hell on Earth. ESPECIALLY for those who are possessed of empathic abilities. My sense of accomplishment stems from the fact that I walked through the crowded mega-mart in such a cocoon of peace, the likes of which I cannot recall having experienced in Wal-mart previously.

How did I do it? This is a question that I have been pondering myself if for nothing more than future reference. In truth? I’m not entirely certain. I just focused on the peace, rather than that which would have otherwise filled me with tension. In addition to this, rather than focusing on my husband’s tension, I focused on sharing with him the feeling of peace I felt. Sending it to him.

It seemed to work because… I felt as though I was almost walking on air. Not in joy, but in peace.

It is also interesting for me to note that my friend who said it was hell on Earth had to be there around the same time that we were. She said she waited in line for 38 minutes to buy a few things, while we waited a moment or two before we were able to unload our cart. I suppose it just goes to demonstrate that which you focus on becomes your reality.