I have a certain sense of… I wish to say pride, but even that sentiment does not accurately convey what it is that I am feeling. Accomplished. That is what I feel. I feel accomplished, yes.
As an empath, I quite often become rather overwhelmed when in crowded situations. Added to this is the fact that my husband, whom I’m really quite empathically connected to, experiences overwhelm in such situations as well. It makes a trip to places such as Wal-Mart on a weekend an experience akin to… oral surgery?
Today, however, it was necessary for us to make just such a trip. Given that it is not only “payday weekend”, and many people are beginning to receive their tax refunds, it could have very much been what one of my friends referred to as hell on Earth. ESPECIALLY for those who are possessed of empathic abilities. My sense of accomplishment stems from the fact that I walked through the crowded mega-mart in such a cocoon of peace, the likes of which I cannot recall having experienced in Wal-mart previously.
How did I do it? This is a question that I have been pondering myself if for nothing more than future reference. In truth? I’m not entirely certain. I just focused on the peace, rather than that which would have otherwise filled me with tension. In addition to this, rather than focusing on my husband’s tension, I focused on sharing with him the feeling of peace I felt. Sending it to him.
It seemed to work because… I felt as though I was almost walking on air. Not in joy, but in peace.
It is also interesting for me to note that my friend who said it was hell on Earth had to be there around the same time that we were. She said she waited in line for 38 minutes to buy a few things, while we waited a moment or two before we were able to unload our cart. I suppose it just goes to demonstrate that which you focus on becomes your reality.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Day 14,523 – My Joy In Literary Co-Creation
There is something to be said for being one’s only audience. There is no pressure to be politically correct or even entertaining. One is able to simply write from the heart. Oh, for certain, this is a public journal, but one among how many? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? It is also searchable, and as I said in my first entry, I am leaving no breadcrumbs for those I am familiar with to find it. Those that are meant to read my words will do so, eventually. I am simply here to write of my journey…
I also mentioned in an earlier post that upon being told to do that which brings joy to me, I returned to writing. Ever since I was small, I have had a penchant for writing. As an only child, there were many instances that I had to entertain myself. I did so through my imagination. It was my friend. Sometimes, especially after all the instances when my family moved about, it was my only friend.
Once I was old enough to begin writing, I did so and continued to do so throughout the years. Writing for me has always been a catharsis, giving me a way to pour out the emotions that I experience within that can be, at times, really quite overwhelming. I do this, still to this day, either through an expression of word or through fictional characters. As I look at this now, though, it could very well be that which has gotten me into trouble in the past.
Quite a number of years ago, I first became involved in a written form of role playing. In the games, one chooses a character in which to play. Through written word, that person has their character(s) interact with the characters of others. Together, they tell a story or paint a literary portrait of a scene that is occurring between their characters. Where the difficulties seem to come in is when one identifies with one’s character too acutely.
This, I believe, is where my troubles lay with expressing my emotions through one of my characters. When the character seems to be invalidated, I suppose it felt to me as though I was being invalidated…
So, I have recently returned to role playing. The difference is, though, that I am doing so with one whom I trust implicitly. Both of us have decided to keep our activities between the two of us. No pressure, and this seems to be working really well for us. I have found the joy, once more, in the co-creation of a literary universe, and this has brought much peace to me in days past. I would venture to say that it has brought both of us peace…
There is a lesson to be learned here for me, too…
One of my greatest lessons in this lifetime, I know, is that of balance. I am learning to take joy in the writing, while still interacting with my life in the manner that I not only desire to, but that I must. This is a great improvement over my past experiences. In addition to this, I am not allowing ego to sweep in on me and steal my confidence, nor am I allowing myself to identify so closely with my characters that I become stymied. It is what it is. The mere ability to write and interact with a dear friend of mine again for the mere joy of it… that is the main focus of this. For the fun and joy of it! Without all the wrenches that ego likes to try to toss into the works.
This is not to say, however, that it has not tried to. I am smarter and wiser of its ways these days, though. I’m beginning to see it (at least in this situation) a mile off. It likes to get me to be fearful, not only in my writing or in being quiet. It likes to try to second guess things… Imagine that things are different than they really are. That is when the problems come in, when I do allow Ego to steer my thoughts, my reactions. Just not going to allow it to do so anymore. I’m enjoying this too much…
And, so… it is here that I will end this, as I have a different bit of writing to get done.
Until next time, I am ever yours truly,
~N
I also mentioned in an earlier post that upon being told to do that which brings joy to me, I returned to writing. Ever since I was small, I have had a penchant for writing. As an only child, there were many instances that I had to entertain myself. I did so through my imagination. It was my friend. Sometimes, especially after all the instances when my family moved about, it was my only friend.
Once I was old enough to begin writing, I did so and continued to do so throughout the years. Writing for me has always been a catharsis, giving me a way to pour out the emotions that I experience within that can be, at times, really quite overwhelming. I do this, still to this day, either through an expression of word or through fictional characters. As I look at this now, though, it could very well be that which has gotten me into trouble in the past.
Quite a number of years ago, I first became involved in a written form of role playing. In the games, one chooses a character in which to play. Through written word, that person has their character(s) interact with the characters of others. Together, they tell a story or paint a literary portrait of a scene that is occurring between their characters. Where the difficulties seem to come in is when one identifies with one’s character too acutely.
This, I believe, is where my troubles lay with expressing my emotions through one of my characters. When the character seems to be invalidated, I suppose it felt to me as though I was being invalidated…
So, I have recently returned to role playing. The difference is, though, that I am doing so with one whom I trust implicitly. Both of us have decided to keep our activities between the two of us. No pressure, and this seems to be working really well for us. I have found the joy, once more, in the co-creation of a literary universe, and this has brought much peace to me in days past. I would venture to say that it has brought both of us peace…
There is a lesson to be learned here for me, too…
One of my greatest lessons in this lifetime, I know, is that of balance. I am learning to take joy in the writing, while still interacting with my life in the manner that I not only desire to, but that I must. This is a great improvement over my past experiences. In addition to this, I am not allowing ego to sweep in on me and steal my confidence, nor am I allowing myself to identify so closely with my characters that I become stymied. It is what it is. The mere ability to write and interact with a dear friend of mine again for the mere joy of it… that is the main focus of this. For the fun and joy of it! Without all the wrenches that ego likes to try to toss into the works.
This is not to say, however, that it has not tried to. I am smarter and wiser of its ways these days, though. I’m beginning to see it (at least in this situation) a mile off. It likes to get me to be fearful, not only in my writing or in being quiet. It likes to try to second guess things… Imagine that things are different than they really are. That is when the problems come in, when I do allow Ego to steer my thoughts, my reactions. Just not going to allow it to do so anymore. I’m enjoying this too much…
And, so… it is here that I will end this, as I have a different bit of writing to get done.
Until next time, I am ever yours truly,
~N
Friday, January 29, 2010
Day 14,522 – A Beautiful Start
It’s a frigid morning, and, apparently, it’s not supposed to get too much warmer today. In fact, there seems to be a wind chill advisory for the morning. The snow has seemingly drifted. Our poor pooch friend had to venture into it this morning. Something that I don’t envy him in the least.
The morning – despite the sound of our two alarms going off – did have a pleasant enough beginning. I rolled over toward my mate and slowly cracking my eyes open, I looked at him, and in a way that I don’t do often enough. I looked at him in the dimness of light, not as the father of our children, nor as even the bread winner or warrior – protector of this once great land of ours. No, I looked at him as… my love.
Now, this is not to say that I do not always love for that is never the case. I have loved him since the first night we met. No, rather this is to say that, admittedly, I do not always stop to look at him in such a manner, which quite honestly saddens me to take note of.
Each of us has many hats that we wear throughout our existence. Many roles that we play, either for our own benefit or the benefit of others. I play “mom” a good deal of the time. Yet, that is not one that I play solely for those around me. Too, I do that out of an inner need… an inner calling. I am a nurturer, giver of motherly love. Though, that is a role that I, myself, have had to grow into. But, that is a story for another time…
It has been my experience, and that which I’ve not really been aware of until this morning, that it is easy to get so wrapped up in the roles that we play. So much so that, quite often, we lose sight of those that most bring us joy; those that feed our spirits. Now, this is not to say that I do not enjoy my motherly “persona”. I do, and it does bring me joy, just in a manner different than that which I experience when I’m being “lover”, “best friend”. When I am those things… I, too, am being nurtured. At least, such is my experience and the manner in which I interpret it.
So, for me, it was quite a nice beginning to my day, to take notice of a state of being which nurtures me as spirit. It gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling, I suppose you could say. This is a man that I have been with for nearly 21 years now, and despite the close relationship we have mostly always had during that time, I am beginning to notice that we quite often allow the challenges of mundane life to come in and get between us and a sense of intimacy.
Oh, for certain, I am well aware that we all experience situations – life – in different ways. It is primarily dependent upon the filters of perception that each of us has established throughout our physical existence. What is considered to be intimate for one, may not be intimate for another. Still, seemingly energetic barriers can easily be erected without our being aware that such thing is occurring. At least until we take a small moment to stop and notice that is the case, and I suppose that is what I did this morning.
While there truly are no barriers existing between or around us, I am coming to believe that I don’t stop often enough to see the young man I fell in love with and married within the maturing man that I am in love with and have been married to for nearly 20 years now.
That is something that I must remember too… While these mortal shells we inhabit age and seemingly wither with time, the energy beings that we truly are within are immortal, timeless. It is for that reason that, even as we age, we quite often don’t feel any different than we did when we were children. We are still the same being, perhaps with many more and varied experiences under our belt, but we are still the same. We do not feel any older…
And so… it is with peace and joy in my heart that I venture into this brand new day. It is my hope to hold on to this feeling, even throughout the challenges that I may face over its course.
With one foot in this realm and the other a step closer to home, I am ever your child in mind and being,
~N
The morning – despite the sound of our two alarms going off – did have a pleasant enough beginning. I rolled over toward my mate and slowly cracking my eyes open, I looked at him, and in a way that I don’t do often enough. I looked at him in the dimness of light, not as the father of our children, nor as even the bread winner or warrior – protector of this once great land of ours. No, I looked at him as… my love.
Now, this is not to say that I do not always love for that is never the case. I have loved him since the first night we met. No, rather this is to say that, admittedly, I do not always stop to look at him in such a manner, which quite honestly saddens me to take note of.
Each of us has many hats that we wear throughout our existence. Many roles that we play, either for our own benefit or the benefit of others. I play “mom” a good deal of the time. Yet, that is not one that I play solely for those around me. Too, I do that out of an inner need… an inner calling. I am a nurturer, giver of motherly love. Though, that is a role that I, myself, have had to grow into. But, that is a story for another time…
It has been my experience, and that which I’ve not really been aware of until this morning, that it is easy to get so wrapped up in the roles that we play. So much so that, quite often, we lose sight of those that most bring us joy; those that feed our spirits. Now, this is not to say that I do not enjoy my motherly “persona”. I do, and it does bring me joy, just in a manner different than that which I experience when I’m being “lover”, “best friend”. When I am those things… I, too, am being nurtured. At least, such is my experience and the manner in which I interpret it.
So, for me, it was quite a nice beginning to my day, to take notice of a state of being which nurtures me as spirit. It gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling, I suppose you could say. This is a man that I have been with for nearly 21 years now, and despite the close relationship we have mostly always had during that time, I am beginning to notice that we quite often allow the challenges of mundane life to come in and get between us and a sense of intimacy.
Oh, for certain, I am well aware that we all experience situations – life – in different ways. It is primarily dependent upon the filters of perception that each of us has established throughout our physical existence. What is considered to be intimate for one, may not be intimate for another. Still, seemingly energetic barriers can easily be erected without our being aware that such thing is occurring. At least until we take a small moment to stop and notice that is the case, and I suppose that is what I did this morning.
While there truly are no barriers existing between or around us, I am coming to believe that I don’t stop often enough to see the young man I fell in love with and married within the maturing man that I am in love with and have been married to for nearly 20 years now.
That is something that I must remember too… While these mortal shells we inhabit age and seemingly wither with time, the energy beings that we truly are within are immortal, timeless. It is for that reason that, even as we age, we quite often don’t feel any different than we did when we were children. We are still the same being, perhaps with many more and varied experiences under our belt, but we are still the same. We do not feel any older…
And so… it is with peace and joy in my heart that I venture into this brand new day. It is my hope to hold on to this feeling, even throughout the challenges that I may face over its course.
With one foot in this realm and the other a step closer to home, I am ever your child in mind and being,
~N
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day 14,521 – A New Beginning…
Who am I? It is a question that is imperative where the growth of any being is concerned, I suppose, and I am, most certainly, no different in that respect.
I am many things to each individual I encounter.
I am: daughter, spouse, lover, best friend, mother, creatrix, writer, crafter, healer, healed, empath, intuitive, teacher, student, but these are not more than roles I play in this game called “life”.
I AM Spirit on walk about. Spirit on an adventure, just as you are. For I am you, just as you are me. We are ONE, and this is a record of my (our) journey in this reality of physical life.
*~*~*
You have not come across these pages by accident. There is, after all, a reason for everything, and this is no exception to that rule. Unlike other literary ventures, I have left very few breadcrumbs for anyone with which to find this space. If you have been led/guided here, there is a reason for it, and I sincerely hope you find what it is that you are meant to find.
In Light, Peace, and Love,
I AM (Ever) Spirit
I am many things to each individual I encounter.
I am: daughter, spouse, lover, best friend, mother, creatrix, writer, crafter, healer, healed, empath, intuitive, teacher, student, but these are not more than roles I play in this game called “life”.
I AM Spirit on walk about. Spirit on an adventure, just as you are. For I am you, just as you are me. We are ONE, and this is a record of my (our) journey in this reality of physical life.
*~*~*
You have not come across these pages by accident. There is, after all, a reason for everything, and this is no exception to that rule. Unlike other literary ventures, I have left very few breadcrumbs for anyone with which to find this space. If you have been led/guided here, there is a reason for it, and I sincerely hope you find what it is that you are meant to find.
In Light, Peace, and Love,
I AM (Ever) Spirit
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