I find there is a certain irony in a current perspective of mine. That is the perception of “space”.
When I was much younger than I am now – early adulthood – I found a certain exhilaration from being a part of a crowd. I loved the holidays especially. I was drawn to the mall. I loved the hustle and bustle. So, it came as no surprise, really, that when the decision was made by my husband and I to move to his childhood hometown, I found it to be “too small”. Over time, I felt nearly claustrophobic if I didn’t get out beyond the town limits for too long, and it was a breath of fresh air to me when we finally moved south to a big city within the same state.
Over the years, though, I have developed an aversion to large crowds. Perhaps, as I look at it with a more analytic mind, it has been a period when I have begun to come into my own as an empath. Regardless the reasoning, I still find it rather ironic.
It was during a recent visit back to my husband’s home town and the birth of my two eldest children that I told my husband that the town that was once too small for me, now seemed entirely too large. Granted, the town had undergone a great deal of growth in the time that we’ve been gone, but in decades past, it would have still been “too small” for me. These days, however, the opposite is more the truth.
This was an idea that struck me this morning… I find that I’m feeling really quite constricted as of late…
Not too long ago, we made a move and have found ourselves back in housing provided by the military. It’s not bad, considering some of the places that we have found ourselves in the past. One thing about housing, however, there tends to be A LOT of people condensed into a rather small area. Normally, that wouldn’t be that much of a problem, but for an empath… a still untrained empath… it does pose a bit of a problem. The jumble of emotions that one encounters can sometimes be quite draining, especially given that there can be a great deal of sorrow experienced. After all, one needs to keep in mind that there are many military spouses and their children here contending with deployment. Many, who are far away from home, without their significant other… Children without one of their parents… Not to mention that we are community comprised of many different walks of life. We are a condensed version of the greater societal ’structure’.
So, I have been feeling a bit constricted as of late. I suppose, though, it does not help that the winter weather is beginning to wear on me. The energy within the house, like the air, is getting really rather stale. What I wouldn’t give for a freak bout of good weather in which to open the windows!
I did mention to my husband this morning – and this is what has brought this whole subject to mind this morning – that we need to get out next weekend to find a nature reserve or something of the sort. While we are considered rural and in a “small” town, I am feeling too crowded at the moment. The need to get out into nature, to recharge and feel the more pure energies of an area untouched… It’s a need calling to me, I find.
Years ago, this area would be too small, leaving me to feel too isolated. Now, however, I’m finding it to be too suffocating… And it is there in which the irony lies.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Day 14,544 – The Blessing of Emotions
Yesterday, I discovered that there is a danger as one is learning to become a "functional empath". That is the danger of attempting to place one's own emotions in the "court" of another. That is, attempting to slough off the responsibility of one's own emotions.
We are facing a situation that many have faced for far too many years, as of late, in our country. The reality of deployment.
Indeed, we are a military family. Like so many others throughout our country, and we are facing our third deployment - yet, our fourth major separation as a family. This time, if we're "lucky", it will be for a year. If we're unlucky... a year and a half. True, it was what we signed up for, as the decision for hubby to return to active duty was a joint decision, but it is one that is beginning to really wear on all of us. Thankfully, we only have a little over 3 years to go. Then, we can retire to a little plot of land that we've purchased.
Back to a lesson learned, however...
As we move closer to Hubby's departure, I am finding it increasingly difficult. Not only do I find myself more than just a little sad, but I am really quite apprehensive, as well. After all, as I mentioned, our family has already experienced 3 major separations since Hubby returned to active duty. Of those 3, I can say with all certainty that 1 can be deemed "successful". The other 2... Well, I feel as though I quite nearly lost my mind by the end, and both periods were shorter than that which we face.
While there is indeed a lesson to be learned from the previous separations, the successful as well as the unsuccessful, that isn't the one that I'm am addressing at the moment. Those lessons, however, are being addressed and will be shared at another time.
The lessons learned is that one, who is learning to be a fully functional empath, should not be so quick to attribute her emotions to another. Sometimes, it seems the easier route. After all, if the emotion does not truly belong to one, then one need not face it, right? One need not shine a light on it or even explore it...
A dear friend recently told me:
Indeed. Emotions are wonderful things. Something that I have to remember and learn to embrace. After all, as an empath, emotions can sometimes be my nemesis. As an empath, not only do I feel my emotions, but I get to feel the emotions of every one around, as well as those that are not, and as an "untrained" empath, as yet, my abilities to do so still do not quite seem to be the gift that they are meant to be.
Emotions, in and of themselves, are a gift. They are one of the biggest parts of the human experience. They let us know what it feels like to be alive. After all, in our natural state of being as Spirit, we only feel love. That is all there is, and while it is a wonderful emotion, there is not the array of emotion that we feel while incarnated. How can we truly know what love feels like if we have nothing to compare it to? How can we know what a wonderful emotion happiness is, if we do not ever experience sadness?
I truly am blessed to feel... even at those times when I don't believe such to be the case. Even when I'm feeling the worst of emotional pains, it is satisfying to know that there is a happiness waiting for me to match the contrast in intensity.
We are facing a situation that many have faced for far too many years, as of late, in our country. The reality of deployment.
Indeed, we are a military family. Like so many others throughout our country, and we are facing our third deployment - yet, our fourth major separation as a family. This time, if we're "lucky", it will be for a year. If we're unlucky... a year and a half. True, it was what we signed up for, as the decision for hubby to return to active duty was a joint decision, but it is one that is beginning to really wear on all of us. Thankfully, we only have a little over 3 years to go. Then, we can retire to a little plot of land that we've purchased.
Back to a lesson learned, however...
As we move closer to Hubby's departure, I am finding it increasingly difficult. Not only do I find myself more than just a little sad, but I am really quite apprehensive, as well. After all, as I mentioned, our family has already experienced 3 major separations since Hubby returned to active duty. Of those 3, I can say with all certainty that 1 can be deemed "successful". The other 2... Well, I feel as though I quite nearly lost my mind by the end, and both periods were shorter than that which we face.
While there is indeed a lesson to be learned from the previous separations, the successful as well as the unsuccessful, that isn't the one that I'm am addressing at the moment. Those lessons, however, are being addressed and will be shared at another time.
The lessons learned is that one, who is learning to be a fully functional empath, should not be so quick to attribute her emotions to another. Sometimes, it seems the easier route. After all, if the emotion does not truly belong to one, then one need not face it, right? One need not shine a light on it or even explore it...
A dear friend recently told me:
"Love your hurt. Bless your hurt. It's the only way I know how to dissolve it. To bless yourself for being able to feel."
Indeed. Emotions are wonderful things. Something that I have to remember and learn to embrace. After all, as an empath, emotions can sometimes be my nemesis. As an empath, not only do I feel my emotions, but I get to feel the emotions of every one around, as well as those that are not, and as an "untrained" empath, as yet, my abilities to do so still do not quite seem to be the gift that they are meant to be.
Emotions, in and of themselves, are a gift. They are one of the biggest parts of the human experience. They let us know what it feels like to be alive. After all, in our natural state of being as Spirit, we only feel love. That is all there is, and while it is a wonderful emotion, there is not the array of emotion that we feel while incarnated. How can we truly know what love feels like if we have nothing to compare it to? How can we know what a wonderful emotion happiness is, if we do not ever experience sadness?
I truly am blessed to feel... even at those times when I don't believe such to be the case. Even when I'm feeling the worst of emotional pains, it is satisfying to know that there is a happiness waiting for me to match the contrast in intensity.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 14,542 – Shedding the Barrier
I had a very long discussion with my eldest daughter last night. I have suspected for sometime that we’re a family of empaths; that my kids are, indeed, empaths, and I suppose that is one of my greatest inspirations for learning whatever I am able to learn with regard to living and thriving with my empathic abilities. It is my goal to assist them, at very young ages, to do the very same thing; to light their way along this path.
One of the things that we discussed was this shield of fat I carry around with me…
When I was in my late teens – when I met my, now, husband – I was much smaller. I wore a size 9. I had always struggled with my weight. As a child, I was overweight. Granted, I did not have the best of diet, but one tends to learn from the examples they are given. My parents worked very hard, and were, more times than not, too tired to cook at the end of the day. So, we would go out to dinner, and I was allowed to order whatever I wanted. It was not fast food, but I did not order the healthiest of meals, either.
In addition to this, I was being teased at school by the other kids for various reasons. I was overweight, being told I had bad breath, having hairy legs. I was only in 7th grade at the time… I had not been told that shaving was now necessary. All of this, as well as the nastiness that an empath can feel behind the words is enough to tear one apart from the inside out.
This all changed for me, though, once I hit high school. I entered a period that I was always busy with band, and when I joined the flag team… Between that, as well as spending my weekend nights at the teen dance club… The weight came off, and it would stay off until early adulthood.
Not only did I slow down, but I eventually moved into what my senses considered to be “hostile territory”. It was a place where I felt as though I was “under attack”; a place where words spoken to me did not match the true emotions that bubbled beneath the surface. It was then that I unconsciously began to build up my protective barrier of fat, and it’s a barrier that would continue to grow with the additions of three children to our family.
Many times, I have tried to rid myself of it. There were times when I was mildly successful. That was until some sort of circumstance occurred that subconsciously told me that it wasn’t “safe, yet”, and the weight would return in one manner or another, even when I worked to prevent it.
Now, however, I see this barrier for what it is, and I know that no matter how hard I try, I won’t be rid of it until I “fix” what is “broken” inside. Until I learn to work with my empathic abilities, rather than allowing them to rule me, I will not be able to shed it, and that, is what I am working on now.
One of the things that we discussed was this shield of fat I carry around with me…
When I was in my late teens – when I met my, now, husband – I was much smaller. I wore a size 9. I had always struggled with my weight. As a child, I was overweight. Granted, I did not have the best of diet, but one tends to learn from the examples they are given. My parents worked very hard, and were, more times than not, too tired to cook at the end of the day. So, we would go out to dinner, and I was allowed to order whatever I wanted. It was not fast food, but I did not order the healthiest of meals, either.
In addition to this, I was being teased at school by the other kids for various reasons. I was overweight, being told I had bad breath, having hairy legs. I was only in 7th grade at the time… I had not been told that shaving was now necessary. All of this, as well as the nastiness that an empath can feel behind the words is enough to tear one apart from the inside out.
This all changed for me, though, once I hit high school. I entered a period that I was always busy with band, and when I joined the flag team… Between that, as well as spending my weekend nights at the teen dance club… The weight came off, and it would stay off until early adulthood.
Not only did I slow down, but I eventually moved into what my senses considered to be “hostile territory”. It was a place where I felt as though I was “under attack”; a place where words spoken to me did not match the true emotions that bubbled beneath the surface. It was then that I unconsciously began to build up my protective barrier of fat, and it’s a barrier that would continue to grow with the additions of three children to our family.
Many times, I have tried to rid myself of it. There were times when I was mildly successful. That was until some sort of circumstance occurred that subconsciously told me that it wasn’t “safe, yet”, and the weight would return in one manner or another, even when I worked to prevent it.
Now, however, I see this barrier for what it is, and I know that no matter how hard I try, I won’t be rid of it until I “fix” what is “broken” inside. Until I learn to work with my empathic abilities, rather than allowing them to rule me, I will not be able to shed it, and that, is what I am working on now.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Day 14,537
Yesterday was a very nice day. It was one of those days that makes one happy to be alive.
One of the difficulties that I have had in the past was getting past the idea of financial lack in the life of my family. I’ve consciously been working on that, though, and things are really getting quite better on that front.
Yesterday, we decided to treat the family. For some time, I’ve been wanting to get Rock Band. The other night, hubby and I discussed finally doing this since our tax returns came in. In addition to this, we bought a new tv. The last one we bought was about 7 years ago? And the sound was starting to go on the one we had.
It was family night last night. We ordered pizza, played Rock Band for awhile before watching a movie together… It was about the family.
The kids have been real troopers while we went through our financial dry spell. Now that we’re out of it, I thought it was time to do something nice for us as a family, and we all seemed to thoroughly enjoy it. It was a really nice night, following the great day that hubby and I had with our littlest one.
It was perfectly topped, too…
The littlest one stayed up a little late last night. She went to bed when we did. Now, among my gifts is that of clairaudience. I have awoken to the sound of angels singing, but that which I heard last night, topped even that experience. On the monitor, I heard my littlest one singing herself to sleep… That warmed my heart in a way that even I find difficult to describe.
Truly, yesterday was one of those days that truly makes life worth living. Sure, we bought some stuff. Stuff that we really didn’t need, and that even wasn’t what made my day. What made my day was my loved ones. I loved being able to bring a smiles to their face. I loved spending time with them last night, doing things that we all found fun, and it couldn’t have ended more perfectly.
My thanks to ALL that made it possible and manifest! My thanks, appreciation, and love to the ONE.
One of the difficulties that I have had in the past was getting past the idea of financial lack in the life of my family. I’ve consciously been working on that, though, and things are really getting quite better on that front.
Yesterday, we decided to treat the family. For some time, I’ve been wanting to get Rock Band. The other night, hubby and I discussed finally doing this since our tax returns came in. In addition to this, we bought a new tv. The last one we bought was about 7 years ago? And the sound was starting to go on the one we had.
It was family night last night. We ordered pizza, played Rock Band for awhile before watching a movie together… It was about the family.
The kids have been real troopers while we went through our financial dry spell. Now that we’re out of it, I thought it was time to do something nice for us as a family, and we all seemed to thoroughly enjoy it. It was a really nice night, following the great day that hubby and I had with our littlest one.
It was perfectly topped, too…
The littlest one stayed up a little late last night. She went to bed when we did. Now, among my gifts is that of clairaudience. I have awoken to the sound of angels singing, but that which I heard last night, topped even that experience. On the monitor, I heard my littlest one singing herself to sleep… That warmed my heart in a way that even I find difficult to describe.
Truly, yesterday was one of those days that truly makes life worth living. Sure, we bought some stuff. Stuff that we really didn’t need, and that even wasn’t what made my day. What made my day was my loved ones. I loved being able to bring a smiles to their face. I loved spending time with them last night, doing things that we all found fun, and it couldn’t have ended more perfectly.
My thanks to ALL that made it possible and manifest! My thanks, appreciation, and love to the ONE.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Day 14,535 – A Mish Mash
I suppose this is what I get for going a few days without writing. A veritable soup of thoughts…
This morning, I heard about a family in Maryland that had to go to the emergency room for carbon monoxide poisoning because they were using a gas grill inside. Now, I can only wonder if they were actually trying to cook, or if they were trying to keep from freezing. After all, there is a blizzard taking place there at the moment. They were hit once and were/are supposed to be hit hard again.
Now, this is something that came to my mind last night… I know that there is quite a large homeless population in the Baltimore area especially. DC too, I’m sure. And I can only wonder how they are contending with this blizzard? How many of them are going to die due to exposure? While many, including those that may sneer at the family who nearly died, sit in their nice warm houses, watching the snow come down and complain when they have to go out into the elements to shovel the drive.
Recently, I spoke with someone about how there were many that said “hell will freeze over, if the Saints win the Super Bowl”. They did, and I find it most ironic that Washington DC has been shut down by snow.
I lived in Maryland there for four years. As an empath, I could FEEL the energy that surrounds that area; the energy that likely spreads to all of the states surrounding it. Often, I looked forward to getting OUT of Maryland, just so that I could get a bit of reprieve from the cloud of negativity that seemingly looms over it.
So, it truly comes as no shock to me that the area has had snow dumped upon it. Snow, while frozen, still possesses the cleansing properties that rain does. Nor, does it come as any shock that I am not there to endure it. The universe knows that snow and I are not the best of friends, and it is for that reason I was urged to move, despite the fact that I moved to a spot that is supposed to get more snow on average than Maryland usually does.
My next thought is one that has been milling about my mind for a few days now, actually…
The other day, I took a personality test. The Jungian one, I believe. Now, the version that I took had me as an ISFP. A more detailed one that I took at another time had me as an INFP, as does the one that I did today…
What I’m focusing on at the moment, though, is the definition that I received for ISFP… It mentioned something about one needing one’s freedom, otherwise, it starts to eat away at one’s inside to where they almost feel dead. I’ve contemplated on this… Indeed, it is when I begin to feel “trapped”/locked in to something that I don’t feel I can get myself out of, that I feel almost dead inside. As long as I can convince myself that it is my decision to remain in the situation, I feel fine with it. The moment that I begin to feel as though I can’t get out of it; as though I have to remain in it for some reason, that’s when things begin to take a trip downhill.
I believe that is why I’m feeling so… uninspired in life at the moment. Where we live and how long we live there is dictated by another. There is another place that draws us, but it is somewhere that we really can’t go for another few years.
It’s all about staying in the moment, I suppose. In the here and now. It’s simply that some days are more difficult than others…
Too, I suppose it’s a matter of convincing myself that this is where I want to be, what I want to be doing. It is my choice to remain here. I am not locked into it. I could leave, if I so chose to, but it is here that those who I love most are, and it is here that I shall remain until we are all able to move on together.
This morning, I heard about a family in Maryland that had to go to the emergency room for carbon monoxide poisoning because they were using a gas grill inside. Now, I can only wonder if they were actually trying to cook, or if they were trying to keep from freezing. After all, there is a blizzard taking place there at the moment. They were hit once and were/are supposed to be hit hard again.
Now, this is something that came to my mind last night… I know that there is quite a large homeless population in the Baltimore area especially. DC too, I’m sure. And I can only wonder how they are contending with this blizzard? How many of them are going to die due to exposure? While many, including those that may sneer at the family who nearly died, sit in their nice warm houses, watching the snow come down and complain when they have to go out into the elements to shovel the drive.
Recently, I spoke with someone about how there were many that said “hell will freeze over, if the Saints win the Super Bowl”. They did, and I find it most ironic that Washington DC has been shut down by snow.
I lived in Maryland there for four years. As an empath, I could FEEL the energy that surrounds that area; the energy that likely spreads to all of the states surrounding it. Often, I looked forward to getting OUT of Maryland, just so that I could get a bit of reprieve from the cloud of negativity that seemingly looms over it.
So, it truly comes as no shock to me that the area has had snow dumped upon it. Snow, while frozen, still possesses the cleansing properties that rain does. Nor, does it come as any shock that I am not there to endure it. The universe knows that snow and I are not the best of friends, and it is for that reason I was urged to move, despite the fact that I moved to a spot that is supposed to get more snow on average than Maryland usually does.
My next thought is one that has been milling about my mind for a few days now, actually…
The other day, I took a personality test. The Jungian one, I believe. Now, the version that I took had me as an ISFP. A more detailed one that I took at another time had me as an INFP, as does the one that I did today…
What I’m focusing on at the moment, though, is the definition that I received for ISFP… It mentioned something about one needing one’s freedom, otherwise, it starts to eat away at one’s inside to where they almost feel dead. I’ve contemplated on this… Indeed, it is when I begin to feel “trapped”/locked in to something that I don’t feel I can get myself out of, that I feel almost dead inside. As long as I can convince myself that it is my decision to remain in the situation, I feel fine with it. The moment that I begin to feel as though I can’t get out of it; as though I have to remain in it for some reason, that’s when things begin to take a trip downhill.
I believe that is why I’m feeling so… uninspired in life at the moment. Where we live and how long we live there is dictated by another. There is another place that draws us, but it is somewhere that we really can’t go for another few years.
It’s all about staying in the moment, I suppose. In the here and now. It’s simply that some days are more difficult than others…
Too, I suppose it’s a matter of convincing myself that this is where I want to be, what I want to be doing. It is my choice to remain here. I am not locked into it. I could leave, if I so chose to, but it is here that those who I love most are, and it is here that I shall remain until we are all able to move on together.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Day 14,529 - The Boy Is Becoming A Man
It is early. Way too early for my taste, really. But there is something to be said for the quiet that can be experienced in morning moments such as these. Indeed, there is hustle bustle as the elder children and my hubby get ready for school and work, but it is the moments prior to the littlest one getting up that I find I enjoy the most. Those are what I consider to be “my” moments, those that I can spend time being with me.
It is much different from evenings after the kids are in bed. While I do enjoy spending the time with Hubby, it is quiet time for “us”, rather than “me”. The energy is different between the two.
So, what do I do with “me” time, you might ask? Well, I sit here at the moment, typing, of course, but I can also listen to the sounds of a brand new day starting. The coffee percolating. The water running as one of the elder kids brushing his/her teeth. These sounds are what herald the beginning of a new work week day.
I feel satisfied now, having a cup of coffee in hand.
Now, there are those that will say that tea would be better for me, and they’re probably right, but there is a certain taste that tea cannot compare. This does not mean that I will not have my tea later because I will. I like it, as well. But in my mind, at least, there’s nothing like a nice cup of coffee in the morning.
Today, if you might have guessed really has no theme, as days past have. Unless, of course, you consider my weekday mornings to be a theme… Really, it is truly nothing more than a note “home” from “the Road”, this journey that I make through this physical incarnation.
With that being said…
It is honestly an… interesting experience to raise a child from infant into an adult. Though, I cannot say that I have yet accomplished the latter, I am able to see the changes that take place in the progression. My eldest… There have been quite a few difficulties with him the past few years with regard to school. He is a very bright child, always has been, but if a subject in school does not interest him, he puts little or no effort into it.
Now, I cannot say that I blame him. His father and I were the very same way when we were in school. ”Bright student, if only he/she would apply him/herself.” Why must learning be about things that others think we need to learn about, rather than what interests us to learn about. Perhaps, if they (whomever decides what it is that we should learn) took more of an interest driven approach to education, we would have more children that not only excelled, but desired to excel. But, that is a ramble/vent for another day…
As I said, though, we had some difficulties with our eldest excelling in school despite being bright. We tried everything. Rewards. Taking away privileges. Switching schools to send him to a Charter school. Homeschooling seemed to work the best, but after a year, we moved to a state where the regulations were more stringent. Not to mention that he wanted to play sports, and the area we moved to is not large enough to have the same sort of recreational services that our previous home had.
This year, though it started out rocky as years past in public school did, I have seen a change. Not only is my son beginning to see some real consequences for his actions, or inactions in this case, but he’s starting to hold an eye to his future. He has formulated a plan for after graduation and realizes that he needs to do better with his grades, if he is going to accomplish what he has set before him.
With this being said, I was really quite proud of him this morning. He is feeling under the weather. A cold that I can hear breaking up. But, despite my assurances that he could stay home, if he needed to, he decided to go to school. He said he has a couple of tests to take today and that he “can’t stay home”. We’ll definitely make sure he gets the rest and down time he needs this weekend, but… I was truly impressed by his actions. My boy is becoming a man…
It is much different from evenings after the kids are in bed. While I do enjoy spending the time with Hubby, it is quiet time for “us”, rather than “me”. The energy is different between the two.
So, what do I do with “me” time, you might ask? Well, I sit here at the moment, typing, of course, but I can also listen to the sounds of a brand new day starting. The coffee percolating. The water running as one of the elder kids brushing his/her teeth. These sounds are what herald the beginning of a new work week day.
I feel satisfied now, having a cup of coffee in hand.
Now, there are those that will say that tea would be better for me, and they’re probably right, but there is a certain taste that tea cannot compare. This does not mean that I will not have my tea later because I will. I like it, as well. But in my mind, at least, there’s nothing like a nice cup of coffee in the morning.
Today, if you might have guessed really has no theme, as days past have. Unless, of course, you consider my weekday mornings to be a theme… Really, it is truly nothing more than a note “home” from “the Road”, this journey that I make through this physical incarnation.
With that being said…
It is honestly an… interesting experience to raise a child from infant into an adult. Though, I cannot say that I have yet accomplished the latter, I am able to see the changes that take place in the progression. My eldest… There have been quite a few difficulties with him the past few years with regard to school. He is a very bright child, always has been, but if a subject in school does not interest him, he puts little or no effort into it.
Now, I cannot say that I blame him. His father and I were the very same way when we were in school. ”Bright student, if only he/she would apply him/herself.” Why must learning be about things that others think we need to learn about, rather than what interests us to learn about. Perhaps, if they (whomever decides what it is that we should learn) took more of an interest driven approach to education, we would have more children that not only excelled, but desired to excel. But, that is a ramble/vent for another day…
As I said, though, we had some difficulties with our eldest excelling in school despite being bright. We tried everything. Rewards. Taking away privileges. Switching schools to send him to a Charter school. Homeschooling seemed to work the best, but after a year, we moved to a state where the regulations were more stringent. Not to mention that he wanted to play sports, and the area we moved to is not large enough to have the same sort of recreational services that our previous home had.
This year, though it started out rocky as years past in public school did, I have seen a change. Not only is my son beginning to see some real consequences for his actions, or inactions in this case, but he’s starting to hold an eye to his future. He has formulated a plan for after graduation and realizes that he needs to do better with his grades, if he is going to accomplish what he has set before him.
With this being said, I was really quite proud of him this morning. He is feeling under the weather. A cold that I can hear breaking up. But, despite my assurances that he could stay home, if he needed to, he decided to go to school. He said he has a couple of tests to take today and that he “can’t stay home”. We’ll definitely make sure he gets the rest and down time he needs this weekend, but… I was truly impressed by his actions. My boy is becoming a man…
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Day 14,526 – A Difficult Day
When a child ventures far from home, he/she, most often, wants to write home, relaying their triumphs. I suppose that I am no different. I would much rather it to be believed that I am something of a master here. Who would not? I would only deceive were I to attempt to paint such a portrait of my life. The truth of the matter is that I have just as many, if not more, bad days here as I have good. I try not to focus too much awareness on them, though. Don’t want to continue to attract more of the same, but I do have them. Today happens to be just such a day…
Conflict. This is something that I have found myself contemplating this afternoon…
I feel I know the purpose of contrast. It is necessary in this duality driven realm. After all, how would we know the positive aspect, if we did not know its opposite? Still… in the case of conflict… I find it to be a most difficult and draining thing with which to contend. I don’t like it. Primarily the way that it makes me feel. Do not get me wrong. I will resort to it, if all other attempts of a more desirable nature fail. I do not, however, like doing so.
Why, I wonder, do humans have to go about things the most difficult of manners? Perhaps due to free will? If two people do not wish the same thing… Both are going to go head to head in order to get what they wish the outcome to be. It seems to me, though, that one cannot be asked to acquiesce on all occasions. But conflict, after a time, just feels so… draining. Especially in those situations when one seemingly has to engage in it all turns.
This is how I feel today…
The maintaining of a household. It is not an easy thing. Especially when you have many people, all with differing personalities, goals/motivations. It seems to me that each individual ought to play a part in the running of said household. Otherwise, the lion’s share of responsibility falls to one person alone. Something that takes a great deal of energy… But, one must gauge how much energy it takes for one to take on the lion’s share versus how much energy it takes to get the others in a household to do their share. Does one take more than another?
That is where I am today… trying to determine the answer to that question because honestly? Between everything that I do as part of my responsibilities to the household and elsewhere… I’m drained from my attempts to manifest my expectations. The conflict in trying to do so is simply too draining at this point.
I feel drained. This in conjunction with not having slept well the past two nights has laid me low.
Just another day as I journey on this road called life.
~N
Conflict. This is something that I have found myself contemplating this afternoon…
I feel I know the purpose of contrast. It is necessary in this duality driven realm. After all, how would we know the positive aspect, if we did not know its opposite? Still… in the case of conflict… I find it to be a most difficult and draining thing with which to contend. I don’t like it. Primarily the way that it makes me feel. Do not get me wrong. I will resort to it, if all other attempts of a more desirable nature fail. I do not, however, like doing so.
Why, I wonder, do humans have to go about things the most difficult of manners? Perhaps due to free will? If two people do not wish the same thing… Both are going to go head to head in order to get what they wish the outcome to be. It seems to me, though, that one cannot be asked to acquiesce on all occasions. But conflict, after a time, just feels so… draining. Especially in those situations when one seemingly has to engage in it all turns.
This is how I feel today…
The maintaining of a household. It is not an easy thing. Especially when you have many people, all with differing personalities, goals/motivations. It seems to me that each individual ought to play a part in the running of said household. Otherwise, the lion’s share of responsibility falls to one person alone. Something that takes a great deal of energy… But, one must gauge how much energy it takes for one to take on the lion’s share versus how much energy it takes to get the others in a household to do their share. Does one take more than another?
That is where I am today… trying to determine the answer to that question because honestly? Between everything that I do as part of my responsibilities to the household and elsewhere… I’m drained from my attempts to manifest my expectations. The conflict in trying to do so is simply too draining at this point.
I feel drained. This in conjunction with not having slept well the past two nights has laid me low.
Just another day as I journey on this road called life.
~N
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