I had difficulty deciding whether to entitle this “Early Morning Musings” or “Middle of the Night Musings”, but I guess at this time, it is early morning, is it not?
I know that it has been quite a few days since last I wrote, and for that I am most apologetic. Admittedly, I have found all manner of written expression for my thoughts as of late. I find this morning, however, that my thoughts are those that can only be expressed here… in a note “home”.
I find that I am battling all manner of inner demons, at the moment. My eldest child has been ill. It was my thought that it was nothing more than a cold, and I believe that it actually started out that way. He is older these days, and no longer, I feel, needs “Mom” to stand over him, telling him what to do in quite a few aspects of his life. It is my feeling that he needs to use this as a practice period, in many ways, for when he is out in the world on his own. So, I guess I trusted his judgement in taking care of himself… letting me know when he is in need of my assistance, but always there for him.
He ended up developing bronchitis, and, though, the doctor has assumed – with her disapproving vibe – that he has had this for the past month, such was not the case. He had a mere cold, which he pushed on through – my like either of his parents would have, I suppose – and it developed into bronchitis. It wasn’t until he told me that he’s been drained, even after a good night’s sleep and coughing up brownish green phlegm that I kept him home and made a doctor’s appointment for him the very next day.
It is a difficult thing, I believe, learning where to draw the line, so to speak. One wishes their children to have the room that they need in order to flourish and become self-sustaining adults when the time arrives, and when to be in there, doing for them, where they cannot do for themselves.
It has only been relatively recently that my son has developed the inner drive to propel himself forward. In the past, he would drag his feet and stay home at the drop of a hat, if I would let him. These days, though, he will go, knowing that he has things that need to be taken care of any particular day at school. This has been a change that has only occurred within the past couple of months, I’d say. So, to see him driving on… I have been quite impressed, but I guess the other side of the coin, is for him to learn when enough is enough; when one has to step back for a bit, in order to be able to drive on again. And I guess, I let go of the net for a bit there. This is, after all, a learning process for me, as a parent, as well. He is, after all, my first child, and my first experience in raising a teen, who only has a few more years, tops, until he flies the coop.
This brings me back to being compassionate for myself. I could think of all manner of words with which to beat myself up. But, I must remember that this was a mistake. He, as well as the rest of my children, are well taken care of. Just an incident that seemingly fell between the cracks, but was taken care of.
This is a lesson, also, in not allowing the opinions of others to get to me, or not interpreting the lack of words as being negative judgement.
I put a great deal on my shoulders. It was something that I thought I had learned better not to do. I suppose it just goes to show that important bits of knowledge need to be reviewed from time to time.
And with that being said, beloved ones, it is time to try to settle my brain in bed once more. Until next time…
