Day 14,749 - Wise Words

Bits of wisdom shared with me by Spirit today...

Life is a lesson that we are faced with in every moment of life. It is not restricted to a single hour or day of the week. We are asked to grow as a spirit in every moment we live and are constantly faced with opportunities in which to do just that.  It is our job, however, to see that moment as an opportunity rather than an inconvenience.  

~ ME ♥

Day 14,687 - Consciously Re-Opening

I've been sick lately. It's nothing terribly major. Just annoying, really...

Before Hubby left for Afghanistan, I did have difficulties where my heart was concerned. High blood pressure. Given the situation, I'm not surprised that was the area where my difficulties resided. I did get it regulated, though...

When he came back for R & R, all was well. That was until it was time for him to leave, again...

The day after he left, I went to Urgent Care with my eldest daughter.  We were both seen and underwent treatment for Strep Throat. I have been sick since. Once the meds were taken, I seemingly succumbed to some sort of summer cold? Still throat problems... coughing...  I'm rarely sick.

Now, I don't say all of this for a woe-is-me sort of thing. Rather, I've begun to come to the conclusion that there is more to it than mere physical ailments. I've begun to look at the possibility that my throat chakra is out of whack; the possibility that I'm not speaking my Truth and the possibility that I'm "sucking things up" and not releasing the pent up energy that comprises my truth. As a result, I can feel myself being led back to the path that, admittedly, I have strayed from.

As of late, I've been living my dream, watching as it slowly manifests before me.  My dream/goal for my talents of storytelling and writing.  It's been a beautiful thing thus far, but has been coming at a price.  I've been living firmly in the physical and denying my spiritual nature, and, therefore, my "practices".

I've realized this and am making my way back... slowly, as is usually the case when one deviates from the trail.

I've been being called back, or so I believe...  The Universe has been "rubbing my back" and "drying my tears" in the manners that are natural for it.

The other day, my "faery garden" daffodil (a long story for another time) bloomed on the day I needed it most...

The next day, I was visited by a little friend...

Both yellow in color... Yellow (among other things):

"Activates and cheers up depressed and melancholic people. Gives lust for life."

Definitely what I've been needing as of late.  A bit more research with regard to my little friend, though, revealed a couple more things to me.

"Keynote: Awakening to the Nature Spirits" and "Black and yellow are the colors of the archangel Auriel" ~ Ted Andrews, Animal Speak

Suffice to say that I can see the messages that I'm most needing to hear at the moment, reflected among the Nature Spirits...  My vision clearly being confirmed in other incidents...  A respite from the Journey has been taken.  I'm reconnected... renewed.  It's time to begin the next leg of the journey.  In it, I know that I'm not alone.  Never alone.

~N

Day 14,620 - Emergency Response Rituals

One of the groups that I have been involved with in the past - unfortunately, they're too far away for us to physically visit with them now - is doing several workings that are focused on the oil spill in the gulf.  Tonight is the first one, and I realize this is rather late notice, but I still wanted to get this out with the belief that those that are supposed to find this... will.

Details taken from the CLG group at Facebook:

"We organized an emergency ritual plan to entreat the Shining Ones to help stop the oil leak, minimize the damage and heal the devastating effects of such a catastrophe.

!!PLEASE READ CAREFULLY--your physical presence is not required for the effort!! ♥

We are inviting those that cannot make it to the rituals to join us in sending energy, simultaneous ritual activity, etc from wherever you are. Invite your Pagan friends and even your non-Pagan pals to help us, either by attending the ritual, sharing in meditation, or adding the current prayer to your daily prayers/rituals.

The more the merrier--if there is interest in coordinating simultaneous rituals, we'd be positively delighted. Of course, for other Groves or Solitaries interested in taking part in the simultaneous ritual aspect, we offer the following suggestion for maintaining potency of intention: 

Keep the prayer the same, but form your ritual around which pantheon or patrons resonate deeply within your group for optimal efficacy.

We have prepared a series of prayers (subject to change depending on the current state of the emergency) for three (3) consecutive emergency rituals.

The first prayer is as follows:

"Stop the flow of the oil from the Deepwater Horizon well head with minimal repercussions."

The second prayer is as follows:

"Stop the spread of the oil slick with minimal repercussions to Earth."

The third prayer is as follows:

"Empower the healers in the cleaning of Mother Earth"

The first emergency ritual will be held this Friday, May 7th, at CLG. Meet at 7, the ritual will begin AT 7:30.

The Deities to be honored (at CLG) are as follows:
Thor
Jorth
Baldur

The second emergency ritual will be held next Friday, May 14th, at CLG. Meet at 7, the ritual will begin at 7:30.

The Deities to be honored (at CLG) are as follows:
Manannan MacLir
Lugh
Brigid

The third emergency ritual will be held May 21st, provided the above schedule is consistent with what action is necessary by that point. A pantheon has not yet been officially named. It will be addressed later.

Please, please, please Pagans: the Earth needs us.

For updates on this effort, you can read them on our Grove Forum here:

http://www.cedarlightgrove.org/board/index.php?topic=3815.0

Day 14,618 - General Busyness and PVE2010

This weekend past was quite a busy one for the Circle Clan, which is good.  It makes time that Ean is physically away from us go quickly by, while making many wonderful memories with my kids at the very same time.

Beltane was a quiet, private affair for me this year.  I'm planning to go more into detail and muse about them for a submission to Warriors and Kin, though, so I won't do it here.

With all of the busy-ness, I have gotten rather behind, I'm afraid.  So, between catching up on posts, the blogs I follow with Google Reader, and my email, I have my hands rather full this morning.  I did, however, come across something that I had come across on my Blackberry, but wanted to leave until such time as I could give it the proper attention it deserves.

International Pagan Values Blogging and Podcasting Month 2010 is coming up next month.

Admittedly, I haven't been too terribly active within the blogosphere until most recently.  So, I didn't take part in this last year, but I have to say that I'm rather excited about it.  I believe it will give me an opportunity to better solidify within my own mind what my values, not only as a person, but as a pagan really are.  I hope you'll join me, as well as the rest of the participants for it!  It should be quite enlightening for all...

Day 14,614 - Beltaine

A Happy Beltaine to all!  The growing season within, as well as without, is moving into full swing.  If only it would become more apparent here in the North.  The weather gods are taunting us.  A beautifully warm and sunny day here, and a COLD rainy/snowy day there...  I'm certain, however, in the middle of the summer, though, we'll be wishing for the cold, again.

As I was saying, though, the growing season is moving into full swing, and the seeds that were sewn early in the spring are beginning to sprout.  The manner which I truly am seeing this in a physical manifestation is where my writing is concerned.

Storytelling has been a part of my life ever since I was able to string multiple words together in a coherent sentence.  Perhaps even before then.  So, I suppose it comes as no surprise that one of my greatest dreams has always been to become a published author.  It is that dream that I have recommitted myself to this growing season, and to a small degree this is something that I've accomplished most recently.  I have become a contributing writer in a couple of venues, including Warriors and Kin.

Warriors & Kin, will give a voice to Pagan men and women who are serving, or who have served, in the United States military. Military Pagans have often been at the front lines of many Pagan rights issues, and their honorable service has endured prejudice and misunderstanding from politicians, government agencies, and even the Pagan communities they call home. We are hoping that this project will not only shine a light into the struggles of both Pagan veterans and active duty personnel, but serve as a tool to build bridges within our faiths between those who have served and those who have not.

In addition, the blog will also see contributions from military spouses, family, and supporters, including a Pagan mother whose son is entering the armed forces, a military spouse who wrote an award-winning book concerning Pagans in the military, and a volunteer with Soldier’s Angels, a nonprofit personal support group for deployed troops overseas.

In all honesty?  I've read the bios of the other participants, and I'm feeling a little anxious.  Intimidated.  I know that we all have unique experiences and things to contribute, but still... An award winning author? There are even meritorious veterans.  What does a military spouse that is trying to better define her own spirituality within paganism have to offer others in light of such contributors?

I tell myself, and fully believe, that there is a reason for everything, and this is no exception.  There is a reason that I came across the call for writers and a reason why I was invited...

I know not what the Universe has planned for me, but I'll happily follow along, knowing that there is some bigger plan that I cannot yet completely see.  It is all good, and it all has purpose.

~N

Day 14,611 - Out of the Mouths of Babes

It just amazes me how much, as children, we innately "remember" with regard to our origins. That is, before we're taught to believe otherwise.

This morning, my littlest one, who we'll call Aine, and I were having a discussion that went something akin to this:

Aine: When you were a little girl, did you play dress up?

Me: Yes, I did.

Aine: Who did you play dress up with?

Me: I played by myself. I didn't have brothers or sisters to play with...

Aine: Awww. Well, when you grow up and then get smaller again, I'll be your big sister.

Now, naturally, I believe in reincarnation, but this is not something that I've yet addressed with her. She'll only be 4 next month. I don't want to say that she wouldn't understand because taking into consideration this conversation, I have little doubts that it's a concept that she still "remembers". Still... That, I believe, is on a spiritual level. On a mental one, though, I'm not entirely certain that she would understand...

This does cause me to recall a conversation that my mother related she and I had when I was still very small...

Apparently, we had been in San Francisco. As we walked along the street, I pointed out some old houses and told her that I used to live in a house like them. Now, she knew that we never had, and, therefore, concluded that I was recalling a past life memory.

This leaves me to wonder - How much more could we remember of other times, other lives, other states of being, if we were allowed to do so?

Day 14,610 - Ebbs and Flows

As of late, I have found that I am very focused upon the outward. My writing, it seems, has finally moved to the forefront of my life. It is a fact that I find I am most pleased about, but with the new steps I'm taking, I also realize that I've rather lost touch with some areas of my life. Namely, my spirituality, which one can easily recognize simply by looking at this blog.

For me, the time of the Little Sun (as the "dark" part of year is referred to within the Celtic Tradition) is a time for focusing within. That is exactly what I did. Now, though, as we move further into the time of the Big Sun, indeed, I am focusing more without. But to what sacrifice? What is being sacrificed within so that I may address the outward?

Indeed, I continue to look within to some degree. Memories long forgotten or tucked away, I have drawn to the surface and am reflecting upon. Yet, if I am honest with myself, I will realize that, truly, it is only surface reflection, if you will. Not the deep introspection that I am accustomed to during the time of the Little Sun.

This, however, is the time for planting seeds. Seeds which, when nurtured, will grow and, eventually, bear fruit. Do I only wish to plant seeds with shallow roots? Or do I wish to plant seeds, whose roots will spread and grow deep? I think I would much prefer the latter, and it is for that reason that I consciously make my decision to flow from the spiritual ebb I have been engaged in. It is time to address and regain balance between the outer and inner once more...

~N

Day 14,591 - A New Leg of the Journey

As I mentioned last night, I was applying to be a writer for a new blog project that Pagan Newswire Collective is launching soon. I received a response this morning! They invited me to join in and write for them! Words cannot express my excitement with regard to this newest opportunity...

With this expansion in creative outlets, I have decided to move my blog Notes From the Road, which originally resided over at Wordpress and was purposely left to be obscure, here to Blogger. As you'll also note, I tweaked the name a bit. It is my intention to finally reach out to others and invite them for a read. Who knows if anything shall ever come of this, but... I'll never know unless I do so, right?

Until this newest expanse of road brings us together again, dear friends, many blessings upon you and yours.

~N

Day 14,590 – Pagans Within A Military Family

It has been some time, my dear friends. My apologies for such being the case. For the past month, I have been entwined in a creative journey that, even now, continues to unfold before my very eyes. In fact, it is this journey that has brought me full circle and back to this beautiful space of being.

This morning, I received an email from a dear friend of mine in which she forwarded to me a call that she had come across on The Wild Hunt from the Pagan Newswire Collective. Apparently, they're beginning a couple of new projects. For one, they are looking for Pagan writers within the Military Community.

As soon as I read it, something told me that I ought to apply. I think I could do quite well with it. However, I cannot say I have any writing samples to submit as of yet that fit the desired subject at hand.

Indeed, I most recently started a blog in which I write from the perspective of a military spouse and mother. I also have this blog in which I have been writing from the perspective of Spirit, but I have yet to put the two perspectives together, and in all honesty I'm not entirely certain why such is the case.

I am not what I consider to be an "in your face Pagan". I am not even one that tends to make my particular brand of spirituality well known. It's not necessarily because I'm afraid to be open about my beliefs, as much as I don't think it's really most people's business what I do or do not believe. If I open up and share with someone, there's a reason for it. Perhaps it's because I believe that there is something to be learned by either of us through an exchange of ideas or there is just seems to be a compatible exchange of energy. Whatever it might be, there generally has to be something that causes me to open up.

Too, in my experience there seems to be something of a standard mindset where the military is concerned. A uniformity. Just like everything else of a military nature. In much the same way that my perceptions with regard to life in general have changed over the years, so, too, has my perceptions where the military is concerned.

Growing up, I was one that was really quite frightened where authority figures were concerned. Anxiety would flood through me at the very thought of getting in trouble with someone in authority for any reason. Over the years, and through my spiritual studies as a Pagan, though, I've loosened up quite a bit. I've come to realize that one only has the power over me that I allow them...

Oh, for certain, there are some aspects of being one within a military family that one cannot get away from. Being told where to move, where to live, and in my husband's case, where to go and when. But, even those things, I suppose, are done out of choice. In our minds, they are a means to an end. Retirement is only a few short years around the corner for us, and then we'll move to a little plot of land that we purchased beside the plot next to some dear friends of ours. There, we shall homestead and be One with All That Is around us.

From my perspective, being a Pagan, living the military life, it is difficult for one to remain completely true to one's Self. Whether one agrees or disagrees with the actions that the military are directed to take is neither here nor there. While one, technically, has a choice whether one follows those directions or not, the consequences of not doing so are quite often undesirable. In our eyes, it is a job, like any other job, which in these difficult economic times, when so many people are out of jobs, their homes... It is a security that one cannot simply thumb one's nose at.

It is also difficult in the periodic relocation of one's family. As Pagans we are not among the majority of the population and many of those that inhabit any given area are often solitary, keeping to themselves. It makes it really rather difficult to connect with those of like mind in the physical, which often - at least in my experience - leaves one feeling rather alone.

So, indeed, it is my belief that Pagans, whether they be in the military, themselves, or within a military family, are within a category of their own. It can often be a difficult life, but add to the fact that our chosen form of spirituality is not among the majority or even well accepted, it can make it even more difficult at times.

Day 14,558 – Early Morning Musings

I had difficulty deciding whether to entitle this “Early Morning Musings” or “Middle of the Night Musings”, but I guess at this time, it is early morning, is it not?

I know that it has been quite a few days since last I wrote, and for that I am most apologetic. Admittedly, I have found all manner of written expression for my thoughts as of late. I find this morning, however, that my thoughts are those that can only be expressed here… in a note “home”.

I find that I am battling all manner of inner demons, at the moment. My eldest child has been ill. It was my thought that it was nothing more than a cold, and I believe that it actually started out that way. He is older these days, and no longer, I feel, needs “Mom” to stand over him, telling him what to do in quite a few aspects of his life. It is my feeling that he needs to use this as a practice period, in many ways, for when he is out in the world on his own. So, I guess I trusted his judgement in taking care of himself… letting me know when he is in need of my assistance, but always there for him.

He ended up developing bronchitis, and, though, the doctor has assumed – with her disapproving vibe – that he has had this for the past month, such was not the case. He had a mere cold, which he pushed on through – my like either of his parents would have, I suppose – and it developed into bronchitis. It wasn’t until he told me that he’s been drained, even after a good night’s sleep and coughing up brownish green phlegm that I kept him home and made a doctor’s appointment for him the very next day.

It is a difficult thing, I believe, learning where to draw the line, so to speak. One wishes their children to have the room that they need in order to flourish and become self-sustaining adults when the time arrives, and when to be in there, doing for them, where they cannot do for themselves.

It has only been relatively recently that my son has developed the inner drive to propel himself forward. In the past, he would drag his feet and stay home at the drop of a hat, if I would let him. These days, though, he will go, knowing that he has things that need to be taken care of any particular day at school. This has been a change that has only occurred within the past couple of months, I’d say. So, to see him driving on… I have been quite impressed, but I guess the other side of the coin, is for him to learn when enough is enough; when one has to step back for a bit, in order to be able to drive on again. And I guess, I let go of the net for a bit there. This is, after all, a learning process for me, as a parent, as well. He is, after all, my first child, and my first experience in raising a teen, who only has a few more years, tops, until he flies the coop.

This brings me back to being compassionate for myself. I could think of all manner of words with which to beat myself up. But, I must remember that this was a mistake. He, as well as the rest of my children, are well taken care of. Just an incident that seemingly fell between the cracks, but was taken care of.

This is a lesson, also, in not allowing the opinions of others to get to me, or not interpreting the lack of words as being negative judgement.

I put a great deal on my shoulders. It was something that I thought I had learned better not to do. I suppose it just goes to show that important bits of knowledge need to be reviewed from time to time.

And with that being said, beloved ones, it is time to try to settle my brain in bed once more. Until next time…

Day 14,545 – A Sense of Irony

I find there is a certain irony in a current perspective of mine. That is the perception of “space”.

When I was much younger than I am now – early adulthood – I found a certain exhilaration from being a part of a crowd. I loved the holidays especially. I was drawn to the mall. I loved the hustle and bustle. So, it came as no surprise, really, that when the decision was made by my husband and I to move to his childhood hometown, I found it to be “too small”. Over time, I felt nearly claustrophobic if I didn’t get out beyond the town limits for too long, and it was a breath of fresh air to me when we finally moved south to a big city within the same state.

Over the years, though, I have developed an aversion to large crowds. Perhaps, as I look at it with a more analytic mind, it has been a period when I have begun to come into my own as an empath. Regardless the reasoning, I still find it rather ironic.

It was during a recent visit back to my husband’s home town and the birth of my two eldest children that I told my husband that the town that was once too small for me, now seemed entirely too large. Granted, the town had undergone a great deal of growth in the time that we’ve been gone, but in decades past, it would have still been “too small” for me. These days, however, the opposite is more the truth.

This was an idea that struck me this morning… I find that I’m feeling really quite constricted as of late…

Not too long ago, we made a move and have found ourselves back in housing provided by the military. It’s not bad, considering some of the places that we have found ourselves in the past. One thing about housing, however, there tends to be A LOT of people condensed into a rather small area. Normally, that wouldn’t be that much of a problem, but for an empath… a still untrained empath… it does pose a bit of a problem. The jumble of emotions that one encounters can sometimes be quite draining, especially given that there can be a great deal of sorrow experienced. After all, one needs to keep in mind that there are many military spouses and their children here contending with deployment. Many, who are far away from home, without their significant other… Children without one of their parents… Not to mention that we are community comprised of many different walks of life. We are a condensed version of the greater societal ’structure’.

So, I have been feeling a bit constricted as of late. I suppose, though, it does not help that the winter weather is beginning to wear on me. The energy within the house, like the air, is getting really rather stale. What I wouldn’t give for a freak bout of good weather in which to open the windows!

I did mention to my husband this morning – and this is what has brought this whole subject to mind this morning – that we need to get out next weekend to find a nature reserve or something of the sort. While we are considered rural and in a “small” town, I am feeling too crowded at the moment. The need to get out into nature, to recharge and feel the more pure energies of an area untouched… It’s a need calling to me, I find.

Years ago, this area would be too small, leaving me to feel too isolated. Now, however, I’m finding it to be too suffocating… And it is there in which the irony lies.

Day 14,544 – The Blessing of Emotions

Yesterday, I discovered that there is a danger as one is learning to become a "functional empath". That is the danger of attempting to place one's own emotions in the "court" of another. That is, attempting to slough off the responsibility of one's own emotions.

We are facing a situation that many have faced for far too many years, as of late, in our country. The reality of deployment.

Indeed, we are a military family. Like so many others throughout our country, and we are facing our third deployment - yet, our fourth major separation as a family. This time, if we're "lucky", it will be for a year. If we're unlucky... a year and a half. True, it was what we signed up for, as the decision for hubby to return to active duty was a joint decision, but it is one that is beginning to really wear on all of us. Thankfully, we only have a little over 3 years to go. Then, we can retire to a little plot of land that we've purchased.

Back to a lesson learned, however...

As we move closer to Hubby's departure, I am finding it increasingly difficult. Not only do I find myself more than just a little sad, but I am really quite apprehensive, as well. After all, as I mentioned, our family has already experienced 3 major separations since Hubby returned to active duty. Of those 3, I can say with all certainty that 1 can be deemed "successful". The other 2... Well, I feel as though I quite nearly lost my mind by the end, and both periods were shorter than that which we face.

While there is indeed a lesson to be learned from the previous separations, the successful as well as the unsuccessful, that isn't the one that I'm am addressing at the moment. Those lessons, however, are being addressed and will be shared at another time.

The lessons learned is that one, who is learning to be a fully functional empath, should not be so quick to attribute her emotions to another. Sometimes, it seems the easier route. After all, if the emotion does not truly belong to one, then one need not face it, right? One need not shine a light on it or even explore it...

A dear friend recently told me:

"Love your hurt. Bless your hurt. It's the only way I know how to dissolve it. To bless yourself for being able to feel."

Indeed. Emotions are wonderful things. Something that I have to remember and learn to embrace. After all, as an empath, emotions can sometimes be my nemesis. As an empath, not only do I feel my emotions, but I get to feel the emotions of every one around, as well as those that are not, and as an "untrained" empath, as yet, my abilities to do so still do not quite seem to be the gift that they are meant to be.

Emotions, in and of themselves, are a gift. They are one of the biggest parts of the human experience. They let us know what it feels like to be alive. After all, in our natural state of being as Spirit, we only feel love. That is all there is, and while it is a wonderful emotion, there is not the array of emotion that we feel while incarnated. How can we truly know what love feels like if we have nothing to compare it to? How can we know what a wonderful emotion happiness is, if we do not ever experience sadness?

I truly am blessed to feel... even at those times when I don't believe such to be the case. Even when I'm feeling the worst of emotional pains, it is satisfying to know that there is a happiness waiting for me to match the contrast in intensity.

Day 14,542 – Shedding the Barrier

I had a very long discussion with my eldest daughter last night. I have suspected for sometime that we’re a family of empaths; that my kids are, indeed, empaths, and I suppose that is one of my greatest inspirations for learning whatever I am able to learn with regard to living and thriving with my empathic abilities. It is my goal to assist them, at very young ages, to do the very same thing; to light their way along this path.

One of the things that we discussed was this shield of fat I carry around with me…

When I was in my late teens – when I met my, now, husband – I was much smaller. I wore a size 9. I had always struggled with my weight. As a child, I was overweight. Granted, I did not have the best of diet, but one tends to learn from the examples they are given. My parents worked very hard, and were, more times than not, too tired to cook at the end of the day. So, we would go out to dinner, and I was allowed to order whatever I wanted. It was not fast food, but I did not order the healthiest of meals, either.

In addition to this, I was being teased at school by the other kids for various reasons. I was overweight, being told I had bad breath, having hairy legs. I was only in 7th grade at the time… I had not been told that shaving was now necessary. All of this, as well as the nastiness that an empath can feel behind the words is enough to tear one apart from the inside out.

This all changed for me, though, once I hit high school. I entered a period that I was always busy with band, and when I joined the flag team… Between that, as well as spending my weekend nights at the teen dance club… The weight came off, and it would stay off until early adulthood.

Not only did I slow down, but I eventually moved into what my senses considered to be “hostile territory”. It was a place where I felt as though I was “under attack”; a place where words spoken to me did not match the true emotions that bubbled beneath the surface. It was then that I unconsciously began to build up my protective barrier of fat, and it’s a barrier that would continue to grow with the additions of three children to our family.

Many times, I have tried to rid myself of it. There were times when I was mildly successful. That was until some sort of circumstance occurred that subconsciously told me that it wasn’t “safe, yet”, and the weight would return in one manner or another, even when I worked to prevent it.

Now, however, I see this barrier for what it is, and I know that no matter how hard I try, I won’t be rid of it until I “fix” what is “broken” inside. Until I learn to work with my empathic abilities, rather than allowing them to rule me, I will not be able to shed it, and that, is what I am working on now.

Day 14,537

Yesterday was a very nice day. It was one of those days that makes one happy to be alive.

One of the difficulties that I have had in the past was getting past the idea of financial lack in the life of my family. I’ve consciously been working on that, though, and things are really getting quite better on that front.

Yesterday, we decided to treat the family. For some time, I’ve been wanting to get Rock Band. The other night, hubby and I discussed finally doing this since our tax returns came in. In addition to this, we bought a new tv. The last one we bought was about 7 years ago? And the sound was starting to go on the one we had.

It was family night last night. We ordered pizza, played Rock Band for awhile before watching a movie together… It was about the family.

The kids have been real troopers while we went through our financial dry spell. Now that we’re out of it, I thought it was time to do something nice for us as a family, and we all seemed to thoroughly enjoy it. It was a really nice night, following the great day that hubby and I had with our littlest one.

It was perfectly topped, too…

The littlest one stayed up a little late last night. She went to bed when we did. Now, among my gifts is that of clairaudience. I have awoken to the sound of angels singing, but that which I heard last night, topped even that experience. On the monitor, I heard my littlest one singing herself to sleep… That warmed my heart in a way that even I find difficult to describe.

Truly, yesterday was one of those days that truly makes life worth living. Sure, we bought some stuff. Stuff that we really didn’t need, and that even wasn’t what made my day. What made my day was my loved ones. I loved being able to bring a smiles to their face. I loved spending time with them last night, doing things that we all found fun, and it couldn’t have ended more perfectly.

My thanks to ALL that made it possible and manifest! My thanks, appreciation, and love to the ONE.

Day 14,535 – A Mish Mash

I suppose this is what I get for going a few days without writing. A veritable soup of thoughts…

This morning, I heard about a family in Maryland that had to go to the emergency room for carbon monoxide poisoning because they were using a gas grill inside. Now, I can only wonder if they were actually trying to cook, or if they were trying to keep from freezing. After all, there is a blizzard taking place there at the moment. They were hit once and were/are supposed to be hit hard again.

Now, this is something that came to my mind last night… I know that there is quite a large homeless population in the Baltimore area especially. DC too, I’m sure. And I can only wonder how they are contending with this blizzard? How many of them are going to die due to exposure? While many, including those that may sneer at the family who nearly died, sit in their nice warm houses, watching the snow come down and complain when they have to go out into the elements to shovel the drive.

Recently, I spoke with someone about how there were many that said “hell will freeze over, if the Saints win the Super Bowl”. They did, and I find it most ironic that Washington DC has been shut down by snow.

I lived in Maryland there for four years. As an empath, I could FEEL the energy that surrounds that area; the energy that likely spreads to all of the states surrounding it. Often, I looked forward to getting OUT of Maryland, just so that I could get a bit of reprieve from the cloud of negativity that seemingly looms over it.

So, it truly comes as no shock to me that the area has had snow dumped upon it. Snow, while frozen, still possesses the cleansing properties that rain does. Nor, does it come as any shock that I am not there to endure it. The universe knows that snow and I are not the best of friends, and it is for that reason I was urged to move, despite the fact that I moved to a spot that is supposed to get more snow on average than Maryland usually does.

My next thought is one that has been milling about my mind for a few days now, actually…

The other day, I took a personality test. The Jungian one, I believe. Now, the version that I took had me as an ISFP. A more detailed one that I took at another time had me as an INFP, as does the one that I did today…

What I’m focusing on at the moment, though, is the definition that I received for ISFP… It mentioned something about one needing one’s freedom, otherwise, it starts to eat away at one’s inside to where they almost feel dead. I’ve contemplated on this… Indeed, it is when I begin to feel “trapped”/locked in to something that I don’t feel I can get myself out of, that I feel almost dead inside. As long as I can convince myself that it is my decision to remain in the situation, I feel fine with it. The moment that I begin to feel as though I can’t get out of it; as though I have to remain in it for some reason, that’s when things begin to take a trip downhill.

I believe that is why I’m feeling so… uninspired in life at the moment. Where we live and how long we live there is dictated by another. There is another place that draws us, but it is somewhere that we really can’t go for another few years.

It’s all about staying in the moment, I suppose. In the here and now. It’s simply that some days are more difficult than others…

Too, I suppose it’s a matter of convincing myself that this is where I want to be, what I want to be doing. It is my choice to remain here. I am not locked into it. I could leave, if I so chose to, but it is here that those who I love most are, and it is here that I shall remain until we are all able to move on together.

Day 14,529 - The Boy Is Becoming A Man

It is early. Way too early for my taste, really. But there is something to be said for the quiet that can be experienced in morning moments such as these. Indeed, there is hustle bustle as the elder children and my hubby get ready for school and work, but it is the moments prior to the littlest one getting up that I find I enjoy the most. Those are what I consider to be “my” moments, those that I can spend time being with me.

It is much different from evenings after the kids are in bed. While I do enjoy spending the time with Hubby, it is quiet time for “us”, rather than “me”. The energy is different between the two.

So, what do I do with “me” time, you might ask? Well, I sit here at the moment, typing, of course, but I can also listen to the sounds of a brand new day starting. The coffee percolating. The water running as one of the elder kids brushing his/her teeth. These sounds are what herald the beginning of a new work week day.

I feel satisfied now, having a cup of coffee in hand.

Now, there are those that will say that tea would be better for me, and they’re probably right, but there is a certain taste that tea cannot compare. This does not mean that I will not have my tea later because I will. I like it, as well. But in my mind, at least, there’s nothing like a nice cup of coffee in the morning.

Today, if you might have guessed really has no theme, as days past have. Unless, of course, you consider my weekday mornings to be a theme… Really, it is truly nothing more than a note “home” from “the Road”, this journey that I make through this physical incarnation.

With that being said…

It is honestly an… interesting experience to raise a child from infant into an adult. Though, I cannot say that I have yet accomplished the latter, I am able to see the changes that take place in the progression. My eldest… There have been quite a few difficulties with him the past few years with regard to school. He is a very bright child, always has been, but if a subject in school does not interest him, he puts little or no effort into it.

Now, I cannot say that I blame him. His father and I were the very same way when we were in school. ”Bright student, if only he/she would apply him/herself.” Why must learning be about things that others think we need to learn about, rather than what interests us to learn about. Perhaps, if they (whomever decides what it is that we should learn) took more of an interest driven approach to education, we would have more children that not only excelled, but desired to excel. But, that is a ramble/vent for another day…

As I said, though, we had some difficulties with our eldest excelling in school despite being bright. We tried everything. Rewards. Taking away privileges. Switching schools to send him to a Charter school. Homeschooling seemed to work the best, but after a year, we moved to a state where the regulations were more stringent. Not to mention that he wanted to play sports, and the area we moved to is not large enough to have the same sort of recreational services that our previous home had.

This year, though it started out rocky as years past in public school did, I have seen a change. Not only is my son beginning to see some real consequences for his actions, or inactions in this case, but he’s starting to hold an eye to his future. He has formulated a plan for after graduation and realizes that he needs to do better with his grades, if he is going to accomplish what he has set before him.

With this being said, I was really quite proud of him this morning. He is feeling under the weather. A cold that I can hear breaking up. But, despite my assurances that he could stay home, if he needed to, he decided to go to school. He said he has a couple of tests to take today and that he “can’t stay home”. We’ll definitely make sure he gets the rest and down time he needs this weekend, but… I was truly impressed by his actions. My boy is becoming a man…

Day 14,526 – A Difficult Day

When a child ventures far from home, he/she, most often, wants to write home, relaying their triumphs. I suppose that I am no different. I would much rather it to be believed that I am something of a master here. Who would not? I would only deceive were I to attempt to paint such a portrait of my life. The truth of the matter is that I have just as many, if not more, bad days here as I have good. I try not to focus too much awareness on them, though. Don’t want to continue to attract more of the same, but I do have them. Today happens to be just such a day…

Conflict. This is something that I have found myself contemplating this afternoon…

I feel I know the purpose of contrast. It is necessary in this duality driven realm. After all, how would we know the positive aspect, if we did not know its opposite? Still… in the case of conflict… I find it to be a most difficult and draining thing with which to contend. I don’t like it. Primarily the way that it makes me feel. Do not get me wrong. I will resort to it, if all other attempts of a more desirable nature fail. I do not, however, like doing so.

Why, I wonder, do humans have to go about things the most difficult of manners? Perhaps due to free will? If two people do not wish the same thing… Both are going to go head to head in order to get what they wish the outcome to be. It seems to me, though, that one cannot be asked to acquiesce on all occasions. But conflict, after a time, just feels so… draining. Especially in those situations when one seemingly has to engage in it all turns.

This is how I feel today…

The maintaining of a household. It is not an easy thing. Especially when you have many people, all with differing personalities, goals/motivations. It seems to me that each individual ought to play a part in the running of said household. Otherwise, the lion’s share of responsibility falls to one person alone. Something that takes a great deal of energy… But, one must gauge how much energy it takes for one to take on the lion’s share versus how much energy it takes to get the others in a household to do their share. Does one take more than another?

That is where I am today… trying to determine the answer to that question because honestly? Between everything that I do as part of my responsibilities to the household and elsewhere… I’m drained from my attempts to manifest my expectations. The conflict in trying to do so is simply too draining at this point.

I feel drained. This in conjunction with not having slept well the past two nights has laid me low.

Just another day as I journey on this road called life.

~N

Day 14,523 – Addendum

I have a certain sense of… I wish to say pride, but even that sentiment does not accurately convey what it is that I am feeling. Accomplished. That is what I feel. I feel accomplished, yes.

As an empath, I quite often become rather overwhelmed when in crowded situations. Added to this is the fact that my husband, whom I’m really quite empathically connected to, experiences overwhelm in such situations as well. It makes a trip to places such as Wal-Mart on a weekend an experience akin to… oral surgery?

Today, however, it was necessary for us to make just such a trip. Given that it is not only “payday weekend”, and many people are beginning to receive their tax refunds, it could have very much been what one of my friends referred to as hell on Earth. ESPECIALLY for those who are possessed of empathic abilities. My sense of accomplishment stems from the fact that I walked through the crowded mega-mart in such a cocoon of peace, the likes of which I cannot recall having experienced in Wal-mart previously.

How did I do it? This is a question that I have been pondering myself if for nothing more than future reference. In truth? I’m not entirely certain. I just focused on the peace, rather than that which would have otherwise filled me with tension. In addition to this, rather than focusing on my husband’s tension, I focused on sharing with him the feeling of peace I felt. Sending it to him.

It seemed to work because… I felt as though I was almost walking on air. Not in joy, but in peace.

It is also interesting for me to note that my friend who said it was hell on Earth had to be there around the same time that we were. She said she waited in line for 38 minutes to buy a few things, while we waited a moment or two before we were able to unload our cart. I suppose it just goes to demonstrate that which you focus on becomes your reality.

Day 14,523 – My Joy In Literary Co-Creation

There is something to be said for being one’s only audience. There is no pressure to be politically correct or even entertaining. One is able to simply write from the heart. Oh, for certain, this is a public journal, but one among how many? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? It is also searchable, and as I said in my first entry, I am leaving no breadcrumbs for those I am familiar with to find it. Those that are meant to read my words will do so, eventually. I am simply here to write of my journey…

I also mentioned in an earlier post that upon being told to do that which brings joy to me, I returned to writing. Ever since I was small, I have had a penchant for writing. As an only child, there were many instances that I had to entertain myself. I did so through my imagination. It was my friend. Sometimes, especially after all the instances when my family moved about, it was my only friend.

Once I was old enough to begin writing, I did so and continued to do so throughout the years. Writing for me has always been a catharsis, giving me a way to pour out the emotions that I experience within that can be, at times, really quite overwhelming. I do this, still to this day, either through an expression of word or through fictional characters. As I look at this now, though, it could very well be that which has gotten me into trouble in the past.

Quite a number of years ago, I first became involved in a written form of role playing. In the games, one chooses a character in which to play. Through written word, that person has their character(s) interact with the characters of others. Together, they tell a story or paint a literary portrait of a scene that is occurring between their characters. Where the difficulties seem to come in is when one identifies with one’s character too acutely.

This, I believe, is where my troubles lay with expressing my emotions through one of my characters. When the character seems to be invalidated, I suppose it felt to me as though I was being invalidated…

So, I have recently returned to role playing. The difference is, though, that I am doing so with one whom I trust implicitly. Both of us have decided to keep our activities between the two of us. No pressure, and this seems to be working really well for us. I have found the joy, once more, in the co-creation of a literary universe, and this has brought much peace to me in days past. I would venture to say that it has brought both of us peace…

There is a lesson to be learned here for me, too…

One of my greatest lessons in this lifetime, I know, is that of balance. I am learning to take joy in the writing, while still interacting with my life in the manner that I not only desire to, but that I must. This is a great improvement over my past experiences. In addition to this, I am not allowing ego to sweep in on me and steal my confidence, nor am I allowing myself to identify so closely with my characters that I become stymied. It is what it is. The mere ability to write and interact with a dear friend of mine again for the mere joy of it… that is the main focus of this. For the fun and joy of it! Without all the wrenches that ego likes to try to toss into the works.

This is not to say, however, that it has not tried to. I am smarter and wiser of its ways these days, though. I’m beginning to see it (at least in this situation) a mile off. It likes to get me to be fearful, not only in my writing or in being quiet. It likes to try to second guess things… Imagine that things are different than they really are. That is when the problems come in, when I do allow Ego to steer my thoughts, my reactions. Just not going to allow it to do so anymore. I’m enjoying this too much…

And, so… it is here that I will end this, as I have a different bit of writing to get done.

Until next time, I am ever yours truly,

~N

Day 14,522 – A Beautiful Start

It’s a frigid morning, and, apparently, it’s not supposed to get too much warmer today. In fact, there seems to be a wind chill advisory for the morning. The snow has seemingly drifted. Our poor pooch friend had to venture into it this morning. Something that I don’t envy him in the least.

The morning – despite the sound of our two alarms going off – did have a pleasant enough beginning. I rolled over toward my mate and slowly cracking my eyes open, I looked at him, and in a way that I don’t do often enough. I looked at him in the dimness of light, not as the father of our children, nor as even the bread winner or warrior – protector of this once great land of ours. No, I looked at him as… my love.

Now, this is not to say that I do not always love for that is never the case. I have loved him since the first night we met. No, rather this is to say that, admittedly, I do not always stop to look at him in such a manner, which quite honestly saddens me to take note of.

Each of us has many hats that we wear throughout our existence. Many roles that we play, either for our own benefit or the benefit of others. I play “mom” a good deal of the time. Yet, that is not one that I play solely for those around me. Too, I do that out of an inner need… an inner calling. I am a nurturer, giver of motherly love. Though, that is a role that I, myself, have had to grow into. But, that is a story for another time…

It has been my experience, and that which I’ve not really been aware of until this morning, that it is easy to get so wrapped up in the roles that we play. So much so that, quite often, we lose sight of those that most bring us joy; those that feed our spirits. Now, this is not to say that I do not enjoy my motherly “persona”. I do, and it does bring me joy, just in a manner different than that which I experience when I’m being “lover”, “best friend”. When I am those things… I, too, am being nurtured. At least, such is my experience and the manner in which I interpret it.

So, for me, it was quite a nice beginning to my day, to take notice of a state of being which nurtures me as spirit. It gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling, I suppose you could say. This is a man that I have been with for nearly 21 years now, and despite the close relationship we have mostly always had during that time, I am beginning to notice that we quite often allow the challenges of mundane life to come in and get between us and a sense of intimacy.

Oh, for certain, I am well aware that we all experience situations – life – in different ways. It is primarily dependent upon the filters of perception that each of us has established throughout our physical existence. What is considered to be intimate for one, may not be intimate for another. Still, seemingly energetic barriers can easily be erected without our being aware that such thing is occurring. At least until we take a small moment to stop and notice that is the case, and I suppose that is what I did this morning.

While there truly are no barriers existing between or around us, I am coming to believe that I don’t stop often enough to see the young man I fell in love with and married within the maturing man that I am in love with and have been married to for nearly 20 years now.

That is something that I must remember too… While these mortal shells we inhabit age and seemingly wither with time, the energy beings that we truly are within are immortal, timeless. It is for that reason that, even as we age, we quite often don’t feel any different than we did when we were children. We are still the same being, perhaps with many more and varied experiences under our belt, but we are still the same. We do not feel any older…

And so… it is with peace and joy in my heart that I venture into this brand new day. It is my hope to hold on to this feeling, even throughout the challenges that I may face over its course.

With one foot in this realm and the other a step closer to home, I am ever your child in mind and being,

~N

Day 14,521 – A New Beginning…

Who am I? It is a question that is imperative where the growth of any being is concerned, I suppose, and I am, most certainly, no different in that respect.

I am many things to each individual I encounter.

I am: daughter, spouse, lover, best friend, mother, creatrix, writer, crafter, healer, healed, empath, intuitive, teacher, student, but these are not more than roles I play in this game called “life”.

I AM Spirit on walk about. Spirit on an adventure, just as you are. For I am you, just as you are me. We are ONE, and this is a record of my (our) journey in this reality of physical life.

*~*~*

You have not come across these pages by accident. There is, after all, a reason for everything, and this is no exception to that rule. Unlike other literary ventures, I have left very few breadcrumbs for anyone with which to find this space. If you have been led/guided here, there is a reason for it, and I sincerely hope you find what it is that you are meant to find.

In Light, Peace, and Love,

I AM (Ever) Spirit