I find there is a certain irony in a current perspective of mine. That is the perception of “space”.
When I was much younger than I am now – early adulthood – I found a certain exhilaration from being a part of a crowd. I loved the holidays especially. I was drawn to the mall. I loved the hustle and bustle. So, it came as no surprise, really, that when the decision was made by my husband and I to move to his childhood hometown, I found it to be “too small”. Over time, I felt nearly claustrophobic if I didn’t get out beyond the town limits for too long, and it was a breath of fresh air to me when we finally moved south to a big city within the same state.
Over the years, though, I have developed an aversion to large crowds. Perhaps, as I look at it with a more analytic mind, it has been a period when I have begun to come into my own as an empath. Regardless the reasoning, I still find it rather ironic.
It was during a recent visit back to my husband’s home town and the birth of my two eldest children that I told my husband that the town that was once too small for me, now seemed entirely too large. Granted, the town had undergone a great deal of growth in the time that we’ve been gone, but in decades past, it would have still been “too small” for me. These days, however, the opposite is more the truth.
This was an idea that struck me this morning… I find that I’m feeling really quite constricted as of late…
Not too long ago, we made a move and have found ourselves back in housing provided by the military. It’s not bad, considering some of the places that we have found ourselves in the past. One thing about housing, however, there tends to be A LOT of people condensed into a rather small area. Normally, that wouldn’t be that much of a problem, but for an empath… a still untrained empath… it does pose a bit of a problem. The jumble of emotions that one encounters can sometimes be quite draining, especially given that there can be a great deal of sorrow experienced. After all, one needs to keep in mind that there are many military spouses and their children here contending with deployment. Many, who are far away from home, without their significant other… Children without one of their parents… Not to mention that we are community comprised of many different walks of life. We are a condensed version of the greater societal ’structure’.
So, I have been feeling a bit constricted as of late. I suppose, though, it does not help that the winter weather is beginning to wear on me. The energy within the house, like the air, is getting really rather stale. What I wouldn’t give for a freak bout of good weather in which to open the windows!
I did mention to my husband this morning – and this is what has brought this whole subject to mind this morning – that we need to get out next weekend to find a nature reserve or something of the sort. While we are considered rural and in a “small” town, I am feeling too crowded at the moment. The need to get out into nature, to recharge and feel the more pure energies of an area untouched… It’s a need calling to me, I find.
Years ago, this area would be too small, leaving me to feel too isolated. Now, however, I’m finding it to be too suffocating… And it is there in which the irony lies.
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